i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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