Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize