After last night, I could never be a politician.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize