I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
