I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
