Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
