I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
