Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
