sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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