Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Randomize