i always forget guys have bellybuttons
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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