So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Randomize
