god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
