It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
