I wish they made helmets for livers.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
