I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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