I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
So squirting runs in the family.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
