dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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