It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
