I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
