WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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