I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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