When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
