I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
