did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
