it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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