saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
