I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
