im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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