I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
it was like eating out sand paper
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
