ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
