I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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