It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
