I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
