I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize