I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
