just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize