i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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