I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
