i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
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