Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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