u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
