My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
The air was thick with penises
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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