Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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