We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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