considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
