Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
