My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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