You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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