I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
