how hairy? two words: wookie tits
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
