I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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