Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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