What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
