Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
My ATM looks so different sober.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
