Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
