i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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