I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
