i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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