i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
