some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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