so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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