Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
