he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
My pussy is not your playground.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
