Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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