Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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